“Whatever dipshit wanted to keep coming back for Manila was either drunk or stoned.”
“There's nothing to do here but collect shoes!”
Manila (also known as Kuala Lumpur's effeminately gay skanky gutter whore brother, which technically makes it Bangkok's twin sister and Tokyo's incestuous cousin thrice removed) is an endangered species of envelope that serves as the capital of the Philippines and thus deserves the honorific title of "The Black Hole of All Gunk in the Universe," which as a matter of fact was given in 1986 by the United Nations. It is a typically large and bloated Asian coastal city, except that no Asian people actually live here. Manila was last seen in 1998 under a huge pile of squatter refuse somewhere on the southwestern portion of Luzon Island.
Due to its inhabitants' innate inability to understand math, Manila is actually a conglomerate of 7,488 towns and cities, each existing at the same time in different parallel universes. This paradox has actually inflated Manila's population to more than 50 billion, making it the world's largest slum district. For about three weeks a year during the hot summer months of March and April, Manila actually ceases to exist on the Luzon coastline, instead reappearing farther inland as a city named Baguio. During auspicious total solar eclipses the city sometimes even appears in Utah as a decaying frontier town under the complete control of Donny Osmond.
Few records exist on how Manila really came to be. Some say that the city is actually the burial complex of Dr. Phil, brought back in time by robotic ghost pirates to wreak noxious havoc upon the world, and to just fucking annoy the hell out of Asians everywhere. More sensible people believe, however, that Manila today rests upon a the ruins of a much more ancient civilization named Cunnilingus, which could in all likelihood explain why a large portion of the city's population has turned gay through the years.
¿Se Habla Español?[baguhin]
Shortly after Ferdinand Magellan stopped by for brief bathroom break from his journey around the solar system, and getting mugged in the process by local gangsta thugs, Spain decided that, having mistaken the city for San Francisco, they would claim it as its own anyway. After a failed attempt at creating a walled enclave, the Spanish who settled in Manila eventually gave up and turned the entire place into a ghetto park, parts of which could still be seen today.
The American Period[baguhin]
By 1897, the Spanish were too drunk to even notice that George W. Bush was sending troops to invade Manila, under the leadership of Nathan Fillion. Forty years of white bread interference did virtually nothing for the city, because Nathan was too busy terraforming the Martian landscape found inland.
The empire of Japan, on its quest for total world domination during WWII, sent 2,567 robot ninja warriors to invade Manila and spread the saving message of anime. Americans were no match for the superior psychic crystal energy that the Japanese had, which was generated from the sulfurous depths of Takeshi's Castle, so they decided to make like the French and bail (but to be fair they did come back eventually, because they forgot the porn stash they left under the presidential couch). The robots made Manila their playground for three years, fighting each other in honorable martial combat. Unfortunately, a malfunction caused by a Hello Kitty Vibrator shoved up a robot's nether regions resulted in the destruction of Manila's space-time continuum, resulting in the current dimensional fracture that tourists and pedophiles know so very well today.
Imelda Marcos eventually gained control of large portions of Manila in the 1970's by splitting open a rotten coconut and creating a palace out of it. Such a task was so monumental and so daunting that Pope John Paul II, on a brief stopover in the city while doing the Madonna world tour, presented Imelda with her very own Hello Kitty Vibrator, which she could use at will while her husband was away in the savage lands in his never-ending quest to find a nonexistent golden Buddha statue.
Things to do in Manila[baguhin]
- Leave. As quickly as possible.
- Buy a cheap hooker.
- Repeatedly inhale the clean, crisp air that comes from Smokey Mountain.
- Eat baby pigs with sticks shoved up their asses.
- Eat duck fetus.
- Join an anti-government rally.
- Turn a straight man gay.
- Buy a permanent residence in Cebu.
- Find Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo in her sinking palace by the river.
- Pull off an atomic fart in an SM supermall.
- Watch a drag queen beauty pageant.
- Jump off from the top of a billboard.
- Drink moderately.
- Piss on walls (especially those marked with "BAWAL OMEHI DITO").
- Watch stupid shit like Dyesebel or Lobo.
- Be held up/robbed by the police on PNP checkpoints on dark streets.
- Listen to FM Radio in weekday mornings just to piss you off.
There is no such thing as "fine dining" in Manila. No self-respecting human would ever eat in a place like this. Street food is common, however, and the finest example of this is a local delicacy that involves a baby pig with a stick stuck up its ass.
Tourists who have the gastronomic fortitude to visit Manila can also try the world-famous "Soup #5", although it would be most prudent to stay away from snickering locals while eating this strident delicacy.
Exotic diners would prefer eating these "tasty" dishes which are recycled from restaurants that can be only afforded by *****, including your "beloved" president.
Manila's Alternate Realities[baguhin]
Listed below are but a few of the thousands of alternate realities that make up Manila today.
- Caloocan - Split into two by God's diarrhea, Caloocan's dual landscape mirrors that of Zerg infestations. Hundreds of attempts to close this rather nasty interdimensional breach have resulted in the accidental canonization of Geri Halliwell by the local Catholic diocese in 2000.
- Malate - A decaying cesspool where you could most likely be gay without even knowing it.
- Mandaluyong - Few visitors ever come here; the noxious smog that permeates through this synthetic nightmare realm is enough to drive you to kill yourself. Slowly.
- Makati - This alternate Manila is a city-state filled with glass towers and wooden inhabitants, sort of like the Crystal Tokyo of Sailor Moon, only on crack. The emperor of this bizarre dimension is a bisexual midget.
- Marikina - While a serene river does run through this quiet reality, Marikina is actually a gigantic dumping ground for all the world's shoes, which have been declared heretical by Emperor Palpatine. As is obvious, Imelda Marcos in this reality has declared herself queen of Marikina.
- Muntinlupa - This alternate Manila is part a jail dimension, sort of like Singapore only bigger and uglier. Tourists are advised to stay the hell out of here.
- Pasay City - The only landmark of note here is a nondescript house covered by gray rocks around the corner of City Hall.
- Quezon City - Once the powerful capital of a solar system-spanning Communist empire, Quezon City has since then declined in power and has been so for three millennia. Today its only offerings are a university campus reeking with communists and a naked gay man.
- San Juan - Pretty much nothing but fish sauce.
- Taguig - Like Makati, this alternate reality is replete with high-rise glass towers. Unlike Makati, however, the only inhabitants found here are tight-assed pod people who seasonally hatch when new Nokia phone models hit the market.
- Valenzuela - A barren wasteland whose sole man-made (and obviosuly gay) monument is a concrete clover-leaf.