Toni Gonzaga/en
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Anthony Gonorrhea Zagu, also known by her screen name as "Toni Gonzaga", is a Martian-Filipina actress, host, pseudo-asian, and part-time mannequin. She is best known for her roles in You Got Me and Pinoy Big Brother. Oh, and she also did that "hosting job" in Eat...Bulaga.
Toni has currently filed a lawsuit against her sister, Kathy Gonzaga for an alleged 'copyright infringement'.
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[baguhin] Early Life
Toni was born in Mars. She is the eldest of two girls. She was raised by her father, after her mother died instantly while giving birth to her. Apparently, Toni's behemothian head got stuck as the doctor was yanking the seemingly normal torso of the baby out of the poor mother's mutilated vagina. The tragic incident that unfolded was being shot live at an RPN9 New Year's Eve Special Televise. You can only imagine the green horrors on everyone's table as they were watching this.
Anthony had a very spoiled, rotten childhood. She was the ultimate camwhore. At age 5, she could pull an emo angle. At seven, she transformed into the ultimate attention whore, using her fake Asian googly eyes to persuade godfathers and godmothers to buy her the poshest Beverly Hills jawbraces. When she turned 13, she started the irresistible drive to purge, binge and gag her meals off into the toilet, then slurping it off the bowl afterwards (a sickening image frequently seen by her otherwise normal sister, but anyway, it's not like she cares). At her sweet 16th, an event Filipinos don't usually celebrate except if you'r a conio, a rich slut or have cable subscription, she had her first taste of cock, literally. Chickens were being butchered onstage as Toni screamed "Off with their heads, bastards!" incessantly to the dozen Kane look-a-likes on S&Ms. Because Toni's never eaten chicken since birth, she was allegedly forced by her evil conio classmates on a chicken blood bong. It was the first, and last time, that she'll even taste cock. Ever.
[baguhin] Education
Life for Toni in school had never been better. When she enrolled in some random Filipino-ish pre-school academy (of which we are not going to be stating here, NCBA!), she never thought things'll ever get less and less amusing. Classmates and teachers often mistook her for a Chibi sticker, what with her outlandishly paper-thin and ghastly physique that revolted even the janitor at lunchbreak. Her forehead's also been full of Chibi stickers, especially when it spans 9 inches of perimeter and your idiot 4 and 5-year old classmates don't have a sticker-book for fun. It's also been utilized for scratch unintentionally by the teacher beside her every. single. day. In the following years of stay in the school, the acad's admin's been dying to kick her out of the school secretly as well, considering that the FBI's been buzzing around the campus after the rise of alleged reports of an alien-lifeform walking around the school grounds.
High school was hell on earth for Toni.
But, anyway, we can't show that to you. She's kept all the information into a private diary from unwitting fans so she could later sell it in e-Bay starting at P500. All we know is, we've bought that diary, and we can't show it to you. But we can tell you that High school was hell on earth for Toni.
By some unexplained miracle, Tony did not pass the UPCAT (with a skull like that, who knew?), but instead passed the NCBAET.
She graduated in ICCT with a degree in Astronomy, Mandiblology and Hosting.
[baguhin] Career
Toni was first discovered in a Beyblade Convention in Muzon, Rizal by a Korean historian who saw her doing demonstrations of the toy top, in which she fixed a wheeled-up pogo into her legs and started spinning 20 miles/hour for 3 seconds. A week later, Hai-Fooks-Kank introduced her to a GMA sanitary officer. Surprisingly soon, she was given the celebrated role of the donut errand girl in Kool Ka Lang. Toni exclaims in Bomba "...it was a turning point in my life..."
She later joined the young cast of Chikiting Patrol. She was the eldest of the batch (she was 17, them were 11-12). Other than having the shortest cameo in the series, her 1-day stint as a green algae in a Manila Zoo episode was enough for a week's allowance.
One of her biggest achievements so far was miraculously getting a part in a daily variety show in GMA, Eat...Bulaga. This cheap-ass variety show showcases some of the crappiest and cheesiest promos, games and jokes in the world. A daring move for Toni, but it didn't pay off well. Earning a measly 80 pesos an hour a day doing nada but babble numbers, names and neverminds would kill her to not jump, but leap the network-shift-wagon any day soon.
Knocking some sense into her Mask-ish cranium, Toni turned over a new leaf and wiped it on her ass by later snaking her way to the other crappy-ass TV station, ABS-CBN. Her life suddenly changed, her fashion improved immensely, but her snap-happy b.s. accent remained gay as ever.
But perhaps her hosting gigs in ABS "weren't proof enough a stable job", she says in a Bulgar interview. She wanted more substance, thus pushing her to work even better (if you call concealing your huge jaws an improvement, then we're positively sure you're either on drugs or just dumb). Even before landing one of the lead roles of the pretentious female trinity, along with Bianca Gonzalez and Marielle Rodriguez in the critically acclaimed, Oscar-winning TV series Pinoy Big Brother (yes, an Oscar, when some Filipino director tried to convince half a million dumb viewers to vote for it into the Nominees for Best Foreign Crap awards. Too bad for the Emmy's), Toni yearned for a movie that she was waiting for all her life.
Her movies tanked, unfortch.
You Are The One grossed an embarrassing P20,000 on overall theater sales (piracy's legal in the Phil anyway), You Got Me sucked even worse, in which she played a pakipot police officer torn between two metrosexual muscleheads, Sam "Im-not-gay!" Milby and Zanjoe "Fishlips" Marudo (son of Voltes V). D'Anothers didn't gross anything except gross out the hundreds of thousands of people who watched the incoherently lame-tastic 'film'. Vhong Navarro's acting chops failed to deliver, while Toni didn't get as much attention due to the distraction her enormous jaws create during the course of the showing. Eugene Domingo had better b.s. than her, says Ebert. Don't even get us started with My Big Love. One word: Karl vs. Oh Su Jung.
My Only U flopped the wooooorst, scoring a record-breaking F- on the MTRCB. Toni's poofy hair didn't really help much, instead giving her the unimaginibly inhumane eye proportion that only one could see in the strangest MTV nightmare.
As part-time mannequin, she frequently poses nude, undisturbed, at P650 an hour in the local Kamiseta window display. She also does endorsements on jawline enhancement products, a local product she just invented yesterday.
[baguhin] Personal Life
Nobody knows how she bagged that hot-as-hell Soriano guy, but sources say she roofied him with large doses of Meth mixed with Love Potion.
[baguhin] Controversies
Toni has currently filed a lawsuit against her own sister, Kathy (or Alex, or Joe, or Britney) for allegedly plagiarizing her trademark comedic stylings. Joe has denied the allegations, saying she only "had the same blood for hosting, acting, and being a part-time mannequin at the local Kamiseta store for P650 pesos an hour", but she stresses, and only once, that "I don't have a frickin' huge head, or jaw for that matter like her's!"
Ironically, in the summer of 2004, a Japanese singer/model named Hikaru Utada sued Toni for plagiarizing one of her singles, We Belong. No word yet from the actress whether she did borrow from this particular song.
[baguhin] Today
Toni is reported to have been receiving death threats from all of her fans, or for short, the nine of them. It was later discovered that it was not the doings of the fans, but from Kathy Gonzaga herself.
