"O RLY?" ~ Owl on this article.
Filipinos (or Pinoys, as they prefer to call themselves) have a pair of eyes, ears and nostrils, two arms and legs much like humans. They pout and use their lips instead of their fingers to point to things, and they can understand each other using various body languages and gestures without uttering a word. At home, a Filipino family's hospitality is renowned worldwide. They will more than happily accept over $500 worth of food and groceries, but will be extremely insulted if you offer to make even one grilled cheese sandwich.
To get a Filipino's attention, just say "Hoy!", or "Psstttt!", or "Pssst uyy!!!". If this approach fails, yell "DOG!" and they will turn around, fangs bared and eyes bulging, saying "WHERE?!"
They have an appendage called a celfone which they use to communicate with their herd. This body part, if taken away from a Filipino, will result in paranoia. This makes it easier for biologists to identify the Filipinos in the wild, since they have their individual IMEI numbers which the scientists can track. Filipinos immediately respond to celfone messages rather than any emergency and calls you can imagine.
Whitening cream and transexualism is very popular with Filipinos. Over half of the GDP comes from these two interests.
Coños & Jologs[baguhin]
There exists two subcultures in this race, the "coños" (a name for the pinoy bourgeoisie, it actually means "cunt" in Spanish. Yeah you know, pink tacos, pussy, pink hole, etc.) and the "jologs". Please don't forget the matnogs. "matnogs" are like jologs in a rock way..wearing black shirts with their dark skins and sometimes called themselves "emo". They are also one of those kids who listen to pinoy rap or hiphop music and switched to rock music due to popular demand. They're worthless for short..just a public scum trying to snatch some attentions. conios copied everything from the generation x kids..everyone does it.
The coños flaunt their superficiality through extravagant lifestyles and kissing American capitalism's ass. Examples of such are Tim Yap, Tessa Prieto Valdez, Kris Aquino and all the Zobels, Ayalas, Elizaldes, Cojuancos, Madrigals and the Aranetas that walk the face of the earth. Their vocabulary includes using the word "like" and "prrrrang" (two separate words, usually used together... "like... prrrang... um... like... prrrang... uh, like yeah, that one..."). Do not forget the "you know" plus "kase eh", then it becomes "like... prrrang.. um like you know kase eh... uhm you know? like, like that oh?".
Then there are the "jologs" or the masses, who want to be like the coños but can't because of the poverty and corruption. Their wardrobe consists of third world coño-wannabe shirts that have (intentionally?) bad spelling, ie. Mike (Nike), Gutshy (Gucci), Praba (Prada), Skaters (Skechers), Havanas (havaianas) etc.
- On Coffee: Starbucks vs. Blend 45
- On Slippers: Havaianas & Ipanema vs. Beach Walk & Havana (?!)(It's amazing how coños make cheap things look haute)
- On Ballpens: Cross and Monte Blanc vs. Panda or Kilometrico
- On Bags: Louis Vuitton vs. Barf bags and grocery bags, aka bayongs.
- On Water: Evian vs. Rain water from drums
- On Medicine: Tylenol vs. some voodoo ritual dance
- On Sex: One night stands from bars vs. Affairs with Mary Palmer...
- On Female Sexuality: Liberated and Open minded vs. POKPOK...
A new sub-culture has been formed with the arrival of Flip immigrants. These despicable beings try with their honest best to imitate black gangstas. They carry machetes in their trousers, completely unaware of the risk they are taking if they weren't Flips. This should only be attempted by Flip gangsters - they have nothing to worry about cutting off something down there. Flip rap, white bandanas, and oversized shirts are all the rave for these young failures. They have actually sunk below the black gangstas in the aspect of speech. Their language consist of few expletives here and there, and are mixed with random placements of "your mom". Otherwise, only an undistinguishable jabber of clicking and clucking they call a language is used to communicate.
Main Article: Homosexuality in the Philippines
Evolution is also evident in the Philippines. Charles Darwin would have been elated if he were alive today. A man is commonly called Filipino and a woman is called Filipina. The past few years have seen the emergence of a new race - the half-Filipino, half-Filipina - or in local language, the ''Bakla''. Scientists are baffled about how this new breed propagates, as there is no evidence that they ever get pregnant.
Bat Fuck Insane Behavior[baguhin]
Main Article: Bat Fuck Insane
Most Filipinos are bilingual and well educated. In fact, the Philippines has a high literacy rate and sometimes at par with first world countries, like Mordor. But a majority of Filipino college graduates have a tendency to go overseas, sell themselves short and get a crappy job somewhere else - somehow just for the sake of it. Some experts speculate that Filipinos love to shit in their own underwear and say that their country is going down in flames even if there is a seemingly good chance of getting a high paying job locally. Other experts agree that most Filipinos are just bat fuck insane and get shit-ass jobs abroad so that others will think that they are "playa N gots da bling". This kind of behavior reached its peak during the '90s when a would be doctor went to some foreign white-ass continent to become a nurse - now really, that's bat fuck insane!!! And when they have escaped their imaginary "Mogadishu-like" image of the Philippines they have embedded in their pathetic minds, they somehow adopt their current location as their hometown. This kind of bat fuck insane behavior was first seen in Friendster and MySpace, and TV shows such as Eat Bulaga and Wowowee (yay representing California!!! Califor-N-I-A!!!!). Leading Filipino scholar and national hero Raganciano Kapitapitagan Junior says that only Filipinos who love to eat dogs and put highlights in their hair exhibit this kind of bat fuck insane behavior.[Citation needed]
Filipinos also have a propensity to diss their homeland. They love taking snapshots of squatters and crappy places in the country and send them to contests and exhibits and stuff, and foreigners will think that the Philippines is indeed going down the shithole. Imagine a photo contest where other countries have breathtaking sceneries and beautiful images as their entries . . . get it??? Now imagine diarrhea-afflicted squatter kids somewhere in a dumpsite taking a dump and crying . . . yeah that would be the Philippines's best photo ever!!! A country gifted with a natural God-given beauty, and all you get is a bat fuck insane photo in the eyes of a bat fuck insane "artist". Now seriously, that's bat fuck insane!!![Citation needed, though not really]
|What the fuck!!!! We have hobos and shit in our country and I'm sure there are skanky-ass-dirt-poor people in other parts of the world maybe worse than the Philippines!!! I've been in the Philippines and its a mothafuckin fly-ass country!!! But why do these punk-ass bitches love to take broke-ass photos like that? That is just muthafuckin bat fuck insane bitch!!!|
—Award winning photographer and nobel prize winner Rick James
Most Filipinas love to be 'hos for the White Man and marry them. These innocent and sweet Filipinas are quickly transformed to the blonde-haired greasy-ass looking bitches we see in Friendster and MySpace as soon as they set foot on the White Man's soil. Statistics show that only the females exhibit this kind of bat fuck insane behavior. Experts say it is not clear why most male Filipinos never get the urge to bang a white foreigner and take them as their wives. Its either they're not bat fuck insane or they're just plain butt ugly in the eyes of a white bitch. "This is bat fuck insane, I gotsta get myself a hot-ass Filipina bitch!!!", says one White Guy who think he's from da 'hood. Hence the birth of the mail-order bride business.[Citation from a 'mail order bride client' needed]
Experts also noticed that other Asians stick to their own kind and marry someone within their race. "Knee-how, they like they baby to look like Balbie becos they bat fuck insane !!!", says one Chinese who wish to remain anonymous on bat fuck insane Filipinas.
"And I lab fly lice too!!!", the Chink added.[Citation from a Chinese needed]
Filipinos who exhibit the bat-fuckingest insane behaviour are in the United States of America. Immigrants from all over the world normally speak their own language in their homes, and never forget how to speak in their native tongue. Filipinos will automatically get a sort of "language amnesia" as soon as they become American Citizens or Green Card holders.[Citation needed? Nope this one is right on the money]
Thi...this is not true. Ac....actually this is ju...just plain offensive t...to the Filipino people, says Gary Valenciano, a green card holder who never speaks Tagalog. He later found out that he is also bat fuck insane. Gary Valenciano is also a world class epileptic, and the best friend of Martin Nievera - who is also bat fuck insane and never speaks Tagalog.
Rules on Being a Filipino[baguhin]
- Carry a Nokia Cellphone, and use TXT msgs (never call it SMS or you will be PWNED!!! LOLZ)
- Avoid trailer parks.
- Beware of "evil demons".
- Beware of dwarves.
- Act black.
- Elect actors and actresses into public office then clap your hands.
- Believe in superstitious bullshit.
- If you're a balikbayan from the states, never ever speak Tagalog.
- Celebrate Christmas. For a month. - and prepare to put up decors 2 months before and get them down before lent....
- Always climb a volcano.
- When a typhoon hits, STAY OUTSIDE AND PLAY!!!
- Point with your lips.
- When a white person does happen to see you, give your privates a good licking, they always like that.
- When a black person does happen to see you, do what Kramer from Seinfeld did, they always like that.
- Shop til you drop folks, that's why our malls are bigger than those in the West!
- Complain to foreigners that the Philippines is the poorest country in the world and then spend all day shopping at fancy malls, drinking Starbucks coffee, and riding taxis.
- Eat rice all the time.
- Use your fingers to cook rice (best done while afflicted with a fatal, contagious disease )
- Ditch utensils!!! Eat with your hands, dammit!
- Be updated about Kris Aquino.
- Act gay and touch people's balls and such even though you're not really gay. Or are you??
- Buy a painting of The Last Supper and hang it on your dining room wall, even if you're not Christian.
- Blame the "so-called" corrupt politicians when you are homeless, poor, uneducated, jobless or simply miserable.
Where to find Filipinos[baguhin]
- Asian Chicks
- Asian People
- Bat Fuck Insane
- Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo
- Homosexuality in the Philippines
- Philippine Cuisine
- University of the Philippines
- Ateneo de Manila University
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