Corazon Aquino/en

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Corazon Aquino
Second Queen/President of the Philippines
Reign 1986 BC - 1992
Born January 25, 1433 (Aztec Calendar)
Blue China
Died July, 16, 1990
under 15 tons of earthquake rubble
Predecessor Imelda Marcos
Successor Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo v2.0
Consort Benig0 Aquin0
Issue Overtly superstitious
Father Zombie Jesus
Mother Virgin Mary

Her Royal Highness Corazon "Cory Madre La Hacienda Luisita Kilayko Bee Bee Tin Hopia" Cojuangco Aquino is the second evil queen of the Philippines and the only Asian monarch to have been shoved head-first into power by a vindictive and sweat-stenched street mob. Her reign is the shortest among the Philippine queens, and is also known as the most memorable due to the fact that she has a disgusting excuse for a daughter who's also an actress and game show host, which you can order at a 20% discount if you call within the first five minutes.

Catapult into Power[baguhin]

Cory (as she is endearingly called by all 24 of her loyal fans) began her ascension into the Coconut Throne when God decided in 1983 that he would off her husband, just for the sheer hell of it. As a Catholic housewife, Corazon was allergic to Windex fumes, so she decided not to blame God but someone in the government instead. In 1986, she bitch-slapped Imelda Marcos with a stiff overstaying fine at the Presidential Palace and crowned herself Queen. The heart-ripping scene of the coronation was much like how Napoleon crowned himself king of France, only she was taller and she had more balls than him. Her reluctant leadership was eventually honored by Time Magazine when she was proclaimed Burger King's Employee of the Month.

Milestones in Filipino History[baguhin]

In the course of six years Corazon Aquino has successfully achieved the following milestones:

  • Set all prisoners free as her first act as queen (no shit), thereby assuring that Hello Kitty would never set foot on Philippine soil again.
  • Spent five hundred bucks to put the face of her zombified husband on, well, five hundred bucks. After which, she...
  • ...went on an insane renaming spree, also in honor of her husband, starting with the Manila International Airport, all the way to Metro Manila's highways and streets.
Above: HRH Aquino (left) and just some of the legions of fans who joined in the crusade to oust the first evil queen.
  • Angered both the Americans AND the Soviets, making her an invaluable asset for Taiwan's inevitable invasion of the country.
  • Spearheaded a treasure hunt in Intramuros to as a solution to the country's economic crisis during the 1990's.
  • First person to be zombified by Baby Jesus during the Great Earthquake of 1990, when a boulder hit her skull, instantly killing her.
  • First woman to actively participate in the burning of the Cathars during the Spanish Inquisition.
  • Consumed the entire Philippine power grid (and half of Singapore's) to keep her daughter under maximum security during the latter half of her reign.
  • Proclaimed the Catholic Church the official church of all local basketball teams.
  • Birthed MC Hammer, in effect accelerating Nibiru's expected flyby and assuring the free world that the dreaded Rapture would come earlier than expected.

Corazon Aquino and Catholicism[baguhin]

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Para sa mga walang panlasa sa komedya, ang mga eksperto daw sa Wikipedia ay may artikulo tungkol sa/kay Corazon Aquino.
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Ang mga kapatid natin sa Tagalog Wikipedia ay may artikulo tungkol kay/sa Corazon Aquino.

The Queen has shown herself to be a fully-devout boot-licking Catholic, so much so that in the second half of her reign she insisted that she become Pope because, dammit, she's a woman and she'll kick your ass if you don't let her be one! Contraceptive devices such as condoms were banned during her reign, and anybody caught with any such paraphernalia was publicly and indefinitely flogged until he or she confessed his or her sperm-blocking sins to a duly tax-registered cleric.

In 1990, Aquino put into legislation a law that made Catholic Sunday Mass mandatory, especially for teenage girls. The legislation, signed into law as an Executive Order at the latter half of the year, unwittingly spawned the Spanish-American War and angered the very earth itself, triggering the eruption of ten more inland volcanoes believed to be dormant. The widespread chaos Aquino unwittingly caused forced her to repeal the order, right after she finished fellating Mikhail Gorbachev during a bathroom break at the Cold War peace talks.

It was also during Corazon Aquino's reign that the Virgin Mary decided to take a brief stopover from her world tour in a small rural town north of Manila, making sure that the sun danced exactly the way that Jamiroquai didn't when she landed. Baby Jesus's mother's publicity managers didn't approve of her decision, however, so she decided to send a clone instead. The masses were nevertheless bedazzled by her star-studded flyby, and they commemmorated her short visit by renaming Japan after her.

Kris Aquino: The Disgusting First Daughter[baguhin]

Kris Aquino hosting one of her 1,347 top-rated primetime shows.

Corazon Aquino's daughter Kris was born on the night of a full moon, fully grown and covered in different textures of semen, to the dismay of the her ancestors both living and undead. Had it not been for the crowds that raised Corazon to queenhood, the royal household would have most likely thrown the princess into a garbage bin and left her for the wolves--but chances are they wouldn't touch this slutty bitch with a ten-foot pole, too.

Growing up thinking that a prince would come to court her and marry her off in some distant fairy-tale-ass kingdom where she could live happily ever after, Kris was instead visited by different witches who wanted to use her body parts for ingredients. The closest that Kris would come to having a prince as a husband was a ghetto basketball player with no thinking skills whatsoever. They are still together under strict quarantine. Meanwhile, Kris hosts her own talk show and regularly fools peasants into selling their souls to her in Wheel of Fortune.


Preceded by:
Imelda Marcos
Evil Queens of the Philippines
1986-1992 AD
Succeeded by:
Michelle Malkin